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Long Distance Love
Parenting Strategies –February 2010
Copyright © 2010 by Kay Kimball Gruder, SuccessfulCollegeParenting.com 
There are volumes written about how to maintain a long distance relationship, as in the romantic kind, but very little has been written about maintaining and expressing parental love and support when a child goes away to college. Perhaps the experts think we will just figure it out, and of course for the most part we do, yet in my parent coaching work I encounter parents who feel a strong sense of loss and sadness when they cannot convey what was once so easy for them through a caring hug or daily words of support. Sometimes parents express that they feel a loss of control, others talk about how it feels odd to not be able to take a read on how their student is really doing, and sometimes they share a sense of loss in both giving and receiving love. Interestingly, students seem equally aware of the long distance challenge – as they (even as juniors and seniors) consistently remind parents at orientation events that, “we still want you to tell us you love us even though we are on our own.”
Jane Stachowiak, Director of Student Wellness & Health Promotion at Berklee College of Music writes: “Love is a mystery and it is a wonder. It is at the core of who we are. As parents you not only can love and be loved, but you have ways to show your love. Whether you write to, cook for, hug your child, even wash their clothes and other acts, love is a prime motivation for the act. Plus, a benefit of committing such acts of love is that it allows love to grow within and around you.” Jane has taught me that health and wellness is so much more than fitness and flu shots, and that when the larger family system is also physically and emotionally healthy, it provides a good foundation for students as they adjust to and juggle college life.
If you are a parent who largely expresses his or her love through physical contact, then having your child out of arms’ reach will likely cause you to feel disconnected to your child and your child will probably miss your touch, too. Similarly, if you are a parent who expresses love through actions, like doing your child’s laundry, then not being able to perform these acts of love on a regular basis will likely cause you to feel disconnected from the rhythm of your child’s day-to-day life.
Many parents I encounter often speak about not really being prepared for what it feels like emotionally to have a child living away from home, and many parents speak of needing to think of new ways to express their love and support. As our relationships with our children evolve so must our expressions of parental love and support. As you consider new approaches think about the following:
- When do you feel most connected with your student?
- What acts of love or support do you feel he or she appreciates the most?
- What acts of love or support give you the most joy?
- In what way did you primarily express your love and support to your student before he or she went to college?
- Is the way that you primarily expressed your love and support still accessible to you now that your student is away from home?
- In what ways can you/do you use words to share your love and support?
- In what ways can you/do you use physical contact to share your love and support?
- In what ways can you/do you share your love and support by sending something to your student, like a letter or out-of-the-blue care package?
- In what ways can you/do you make focused time to spend with your student – either virtually or in-person?
- When does your student feel most supported and loved by you? (You may have to ask.)
Keep in mind, that through all the transitions and adjustments that occur during the late high school and college years, our children are quick to notice when we, as parents, are experiencing feelings of transition in our relationship with them. Since Jane works at Berklee College of Music, it seems only fitting that we look at the interesting parallels between a musical piece and loving relationships. Jane interviewed Dr. Richard Goodman, M.Ed., Ph.D. in February of 2003 and these are some interesting parallels between a musical piece and loving relationships that he identified:
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diverse elements exist in both – there are quiet, loud, fast, and slow sections/movements.
- not all the music is pretty – dissonance occurs often in the piece
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it may take a while to feel a resolution
- a good performance requires practice, practice, practice
- every performance will be unique
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spontaneity cannot be rehearsed but it must be embraced
- no instrument plays throughout the entire piece – everyone gets and deserves a rest
- a good performance requires one not to just play the music (giving) but also listening to the music (taking)
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periods of frustration will occur but continue on for the best is yet to come
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risks will need to be taken and you will be very vulnerable, but carry on
Follow your student’s lead, let your student explore what he or she needs, and acknowledge that it is as much a journey for your student as it is for you.
Jane Stachowiak, M.Ed., is Director of Student Wellness and Health Promotion at Berklee College of Music. She has worked in higher education for 4 decades and spent 8 years in the fitness industry.
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Kay Kimball Gruder
