 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 |
|
Open article as a .pdf
Subduing the Worrywart
Parenting Strategies –March 2011
Copyright © 2011 by Kay Kimball Gruder, SuccessfulCollegeParenting.com
In the course of my work I interact with lots of parents and it is interesting how often I hear families use the phrase “You worry too much.” Sometimes it is a son or daughter saying it to his or her parent, or one parent saying it to another. The person receiving the input usually responds in one of two ways, “I know.” or “No I don’t.”
When we worry we transport our parenting into what I call the “what if” zone. Our frame of thinking then influences what comes next -- our words and interactions with our student. Worry distracts us from focusing on what really exists, drains our energy and frazzles our nerves – and usually it has a similar effect on the people with whom we are interacting. Opportunities to worry are limitless when one’s son or daughter is at college, and while he or she might not tell you so, chances are that your son or daughter interprets your worry as off-base, dramatic, and an indicator that you lack confidence in him or her. Worry is just plain annoying to most students – well, unless it is your son or daughter doing the worrying!
A client recently wondered if worry can have a positive function in a relationship, and it is at this point that I draw a distinction between worrying and anticipating. Worrying produces the sense that everything is out of control, it can be irrational, it can stem from one’s own history with situations and events, and it is often about something that never comes completely to fruition. Winston Churchill’s quote, “When I look back on all these worries, I remember the story of the old man who said on his deathbed that he had had a lot of trouble in his life, most of which had never happened.” Worry is one of the most counterproductive mental activities in which one can engage when parenting a college student. It shuts down communication, produces doubt, and takes mental energy away from identifying possible action steps. Anticipation, on the other hand, is an activity that opens the door to planning and problem solving – acknowledging a situation might occur, then considering options and thinking about the role one wants to have in guiding his or her student. While worry originates from many different thought patterns, I most often encounter worry that stems from a parent either not feeling his or her student is adequately prepared for what lies ahead or from the parent’s own negative experiences or uncertainties.
Consider these examples:
Living in the Big City:
A student’s mother said,
“I am just so worried about my daughter living in Boston.”
Instead of going down the worry path with her I asked,
“In what ways do you feel your daughter is prepared to do well at college?”
The mother rattled off a list of ways that the daughter was competent and prepared.
I then asked,
“So how is your daughter doing these first couple of days during orientation?”
The mother said,
“Oh – she is doing just fine – she’s telling us what to do and where we need to go to attend various events.”
I said,
“When we first started speaking I noticed you said you were worried about your daughter – tell me more about that.”
And the mother said,
“Well I just never pictured her so far from home and I worry about her safety. She’s never had to deal with a city before.”
So I said, “Consider this approach--try to spend more time focusing on all the ways your daughter seems competent and prepared, and then guide your daughter to identify things she can do to enhance her safety: using the escort service provided by public safety, travelling in groups, letting roommates know where she is, etc. Parenting from this zone will facilitate your daughter’s confidence with tangible strategies to stay safe, and it will provide you with the knowledge that she is well-equipped to effectively navigate living in Boston.”
The mother said,
“Oh my gosh, you made me feel so much better.”
I said, “It was your willingness to shift your parenting from the ‘what if’ worry zone to the anticipate and contribute something productive zone.
The Car:
Sometimes our worry reflects more about us than our student. A father was worried about his son having a car at college, yet he had provided his son with a car.
I asked,
“Has your son had lots of problems being a responsible driver?”
The father said,
“No, he has been driving for three years and he has been great – he hasn’t even had an accident.”
I said,
“Well that’s nice that you have confidence in him.”
The father seemed kind of puzzled, probably expecting me to say, “Yeah, I know, it is scary to have a teen driver.” And while it can be scary having a teen driver, we can choose where we want to put our parenting energy.
In talking more with the father I learned that he had been in a bad accident and felt anxious that his son might experience a similar situation. He knew that he couldn’t protect his son from the possibility, and all his worry was generating a lot of stress for everyone around him. I suggested that every time the worry came up for him to say, “Stop, (son’s name) is a good driver, and I know this because I am comfortable riding in the car with him and he has proven to me that he is responsible.” At first the father was skeptical, but he shared that he was able to quiet the negative mental chatter and realized that he was worrying less and focusing more on the present. I encourage parents to quiet their worry by applying various strategies; spending more of their parenting time in the “what is” than in the “what if.” The bottom line is that subduing worry takes practice and there is absolutely no quick fix.
Consider this exercise:
1. During the coming week write down everything about which you worry, then identify if it is currently occurring or if it is something you imagine could occur.
2. At the end of the week identify which things you worried about actually turned out as you worried they might, and which did not.
3. Identify in which instances your worry contributed something positive to the situation.
4. At the same time write down a few tangible things that you can do about each situation.
5. Decide to do something – map out a couple of action steps. Even deciding to do nothing (when it is a conscious decision) can put you in a different state of mind than only doing nothing because your are immobilized by worry.
6. Act on your action steps!
We often get stuck in our parenting patterns, but truth be told we have lots of choices. We can worry about what our college student will potentially experience or encounter, we can practice focusing on only today, we can shift our worry toward anticipating how we can concretely guide our student toward options and positive actions. Above all else, we have to acknowledge that when we are parenting from the worry zone we are not providing our student with our best parenting -- and we are most definitely increasing the levels of stress in our relationships. If you hear the people around you say, “You worry too much” or “Don’t worry so much,” take this to heart and take inventory of why you are worrying. If your worry signals that you don’t feel that your son or daughter is prepared as you would like him or her to be or that you doubt his or her abilities, then practice shifting your negative thoughts to more productively guiding your student toward new knowledge, skills, and experiences to make better decisions and to more effectively handle situations – you’ll both benefit. If your worry about your student resides in your negative experiences around similar events or situations, then seek help in addressing your worry and consistently focus your energy toward all the ways your son or daughter is competent and responsible. This is hard work – but the benefits yield results, while worrying never does.
It only seems as if you are doing something when you're worrying.
~Lucy Maud Montgomery
|
|
|
|
|
|
| ©2013 by TherapySites.com. All rights reserved. |
|
|
|
|
|
Kay Kimball Gruder
